


candlelight

by Kaikajo



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, angst galore folks, decided to publish it with a few minor tweaks, something i wrote wayyyy long ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 01:46:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15619779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaikajo/pseuds/Kaikajo
Summary: Oneshot, much angst (^: Set in Sougo's POV as he fights his way towards Kagura.Excerpt:Gin’s carefully selected words replay in his mind, as if he’s rewinding back through a movie to a certain scene over and over again.“You can't leave her alone, because if she thinks she's becoming a burden she will sacrifice herself. She's a knucklehead so she wont understand, but you gotta make sure she lives to learn that she's so much more.”





	candlelight

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my doc for so long,, I decided to polish it up a bit and share it with everyone o-: hope you enjoy!! (Also abt that one part with the Yato blood taking over, totally just something I added and prob not canon, just a heads up '3').

If Sougo could've changed the last decision he made, he wouldn't have. 

If he could've changed the wheel of his thinking process, then maybe.

But he doesn’t have that luxury, and he can’t continue to pick up the broken pieces left by the choice he made in this pivotal and crucial moment. He can’t say that he regrets every decision leading up to it, because despite whatever Hijikata says, he did save his ass from going into hell.

Sougo knew if Kagura was in his situation she would've done the exact same thing, if Hijikata was Gin, because that's how they were.

But despite that similarity, it felt  _ wrong _ .

“Dammit, Sougo!” Hijikata stumbles and falls onto his back as Sougo collides his sword with the enemy, the impact riveted through the air in an aching reminder of the chaos around them. Less than a second after impact, Sougo’s guts twists and turns, because he knows he has made the wrong decision. 

He shouldn't have listened to her advice; he should've listened to himself. He should've listened to what he kept telling himself over and over again and what Gin had been pleading him to do in his stead.

“I had it, you idiot!” Hijikata shoves Sougo aside quickly, parring off the enemy before stabbing him in the chest cleanly, without a second thought. “Hurry up and go get toher, dammit!” he spits out the words with such ferocity that it would've seemed like Sougo had left him to die instead. 

He knows what he has to do- move his dead weight legs and go save that sorry excuse of a Yato; who apparently were one of the most strongest species ever. That's what she told him, right? That she was strong, so strong that he didn't have to help her. That she could handle herself, that she _could_ and that she was _able._ She had no problem at fighting off hoards because that was in her blood. Fighting and killing, murder and destruction, it was just a part of her. That’s what she decided to shove inside her mind to be able to hack away like a monster killing machine, but he knows her better than that. They all do, it was a childish tactic to try to tell them that she doesn’t need anyone to watch her back. 

The thought of her telling herself that like a broken record created a pull at his chest, a biting chill. It was in the inkling of dread at the bottom of his spine, the static of fear at the back of his skull. Her father had warned Gin over and over again about the toll of unleashing hell constantly, losing yourself to the blood, that it will devour her until not a trace of herself could escape from inside. Trapped inside her own mind, watching her body move without her own accord like a movie. 

But it was in her blood to fight so that she could protect. She isn’t going to die a measly, unheroic death because he knows she will fight until all of her bones are broken more than once. He knows she won’t give up without a fight.

The cost of someone willing to fight until they can’t even blink is catastrophic.

_ “Don't you dare let her out of your sight.” _

Gin had shoved the words down his throat before they separated ways. He grabbed his arm so hard Sougo was sure he was going to rip it off. The usual dead fish eyes had a fiery determination in them, a type of pleading that Sougo saw reflected in his own eyes when he stared into the spotless gravestone of his sister. He will destroy Sougo if he let anything bad happen to her because she's family and he isn't going to lose another one.

So why doesn't Sougo choose her?

How can a quiet promise from a deceased person decide the fate of another living being? Mitsuba told him to look after Hijikata for her, but only if he could. And he could've, so he did what she had wanted him to do, but why wasn't it right? Why does it come out as a miscalculation? He is always careful, making sure nothing is out of place, but now he isn’t even sure what he should do.

Gin’s carefully selected words replay in his mind, as if he’s rewinding back through a movie to a certain scene over and over again.

_ “You can't leave her alone, because if she thinks she's becoming a burden she will sacrifice herself. She's a knucklehead so she wont understand, but you gotta make sure she lives to learn that she's so much more.” _

Sougo, without a word, averts his focus the other way, towards the girl that somehow wormed her way into every essence of him; his veins, his mind, his bones,  _ everything _ . She has ingrained every part of herself into him, the goodness that he stowed away back into the darkest parts of his mind.

He isn’t some valiant hero, he does things the way he wants to, disregarding every person’s input on it. Yet he is definitely eating his words right now, ripping at his skin because of his own miscalculation. Mistakes were always made, but some were too grave to ever be forgotten and forgiven.

As he slices away at the enemies keeping her away from him, she comes into view. She is there, to his relief, alive and full of virtuous glory like some warrior goddess. 

Her flaming red dress spreads fire around her as she spills the blood of her enemies onto the ground, the whole battlefield is covered in her as she paints the world around him red, so red that he drowns in it. He welcomes the suffocation of her presence because it makes him feel alive, but he also feels like an intruder as he wades through the crimson tint of the world; it’s as if a part of her mind has spilled out onto Earth like a punctured wound.

She dances and dances dangerously with the enemies- foot forward then back, to the side and into their arms, but before they could even touch her she twists away from them and lets them fall to the ground, blood splattering in every direction. She is a poisonous flower covered in thorns, coming into view at full bloom.

But something on that level of beauty would tempt others to tear it into pieces until nothing is left, because nothing beautiful can ever last long in this world.

She is a glorious blaze of determination and freedom that his chest swells with... panic, impatience, and awe. He needs to get to her, he needs to. He just needs to be with her and he is so close to her, just an arms length away.

Just like a flame on it's last lick of wax, trying to hold on to the taste of life, she brushes her fingers against his just before the spark flicks it’s final breath, evaporating the warmth around them.


End file.
